|This is how we study.|
Whew… well I just wrapped up another 11-hour day of studying. Yes, 11. Never in my life did I think I would spend 8-10 hours a day studying for one test; not even a month ago when I knew the Bar Exam was coming up. All throughout high school, college, and even law school I was never one who really needed to study for tests. Depending on the class, I would review a bit for a day or two beforehand, but I never once pulled an all-nighter or even spent a full day studying. Let me just say, it’s rough. My brain hurts and my eyes hurt. I’m stir crazy and I long for this all to be over with.
At the end of some days of studying, I do feel a bit accomplished. In a way I’m having fun reviewing all the things I’ve learned throughout law school, and learning even more things that I didn’t pick up on or wasn’t taught because we don’t learn Texas law in Hawaii.
At the end of other days I feel nothing but ANXIETY. What if I fail? About 20% of out-of-staters who sit for the Texas Bar Exam will fail. I can’t imagine doing all of this work for nothing. I would just die.
And I wonder how many of those 20% aren’t even studying with distractions, like, oh, a newborn on their lap. It always seems that just when I get into a rhythm Eva wakes up from her nap whining for a bottle, or gets sick of hearing about the elements of negligence and would rather hear about that itsy-bitsy-spider. So for every hour of studying I say that I do, you can probably deduct about 10-20 minutes for unproductiveness. Maybe even more. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame her or resent her for it in the least bit. In fact, she’s my #1 motivation. Every time I look at that goofy, gummy smile my power bar goes up. It reminds me of why I am doing this. I want her to be proud of me. I want to be a good example for her. And I want to know that I, alone, can provide her with a comfortable life should (God forbid) I ever need to. I feel terrible that I can’t spend all of her waking hours singing and dancing and entertaining her, but I know that in just about a month from now I’ll be able to again. I just hope it’s all worth it.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that it could be worse. Plenty of women have done this WITH TODDLERS. Yikes. Makes me feel dumb for even thinking about complaining.
At the beginning of the summer, a good friend told me: “Remember… you don’t have to study for the Bar. You get to.” That has become my mantra in these last few weeks and I hope it (along with baby E) can carry me through the next month and into August without a complete meltdown. I’ll let you know how it goes.