preface

It has been one year since I moved back to Texas. A lot has happened since then, but I’ve remained quiet through the chaos. After nine years of marriage, Daniel and I have decided to go our separate ways. I’m not sure if I wasn’t comfortable writing about it, or if I just wasn’t sure what to write, but it’s over now and I finally feel like I can share it here. Daniel and I are divorced. There wasn’t some defining moment that led to our decision. We had been through a lot in our decade together, and had weathered countless ups and downs. But despite our best efforts at making it work, we just didn’t. We weren’t on the same page and could never seem to find mutual understanding. We have finally both accepted and moved on from this. Daniel is remarried and I have started dating again, sort of (insert awkward emoji faces). Life is moving on.

Really, the last half of my year has been spent getting on my feet. After a few months of working as a public defender, I found a more stable job at a law firm. I work a “9 to 5” now while the kids are in daycare. It has been a huge adjustment for me- learning to get myself and two toddlers dressed and ready to go by 7:15 each morning; finding time for exercise and nature walks; mastering the chaos of the witching hour after a long day at work… But I finally feel like I’m getting in the swing of single motherhood. I’ve actually managed to find MORE time to surf, make art, and yes, write. I’ll share my stories and words eventually and I have the best intentions of getting back to this little space of mine.

I still have dreams of a nomadic lifestyle, but I am accepting of the fact that I am currently in a “grounding” stage. It feels nice to be able to pay my own bills and handle my own shit, so to speak. I welcome the feeling of stability I am beginning to experience. I am grateful for the emotional support from my friends and family. I miss the extra time I had as a stay-at-home-mom with my babies, but I appreciate the growth and learning they are receiving from daycare. I still have visions of Hawaii and beyond, and I know I will get there eventually. But now is a time for, well, now.

I hope to write more here in the coming days and weeks. I finally feel like I’ve stepped back from this blog long enough to figure things out. I no longer want to be obsessed with weekly and monthly updates. I’m learning to look at time in a new way and don’t want to be so meticulous about counting it. I’ve learned to look at a lot of things differently in the last year. I have been spending more time surfing, meditating, and listening to reggae music- things I loved before and during my marriage but have managed to find immeasurable strength and inspiration from in the aftermath. I plan on spending more time writing about my realizations and experiences on my blog, but for today I just wanted to get this announcement over with.

The preface to my next chapter in the Book of Life.

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Comments

  1. Despite feeling sad for the outcome of your marriage, this post feels so REAL. I’ve been reading your blog for years now and I was missing something, it felt so different, like it was missing something. I guess it was hard to share things while you were invested in your own things.
    I really wish this is a new beginning for you and the kids.
    Wish you all the best all the way from Italy.

  2. What a big year of transition for you! While the last half of your may have been spent getting back on your feet, it sounds like the new year will be all about thriving in your new roles. I look forward to reading about your adventures again.

  3. Amidst all the people who might be saying “I’m so sorry” I’ll say congratulations. If you realized that your marriage was not working, and had the strength to end it, stepping off into the unknown with 2 children so support, then I say good for you. Nobody has to be a bad person for a relationship not to work. You are strong.

  4. My heart shattered when I read this. I must say, I suspected that something was amiss when the blog fell silent (mostly). I have been following your blog (from South Africa 🙂 for more than two years already, and would visit back regularly hoping to find a new post. Then I noticed that your bio did not mention being a wife, and my heart just sank. I was rooting for your marriage, it seemed so strong. Personally, I am a believer in getting married young, and you chaps looked like the perfect couple. I believe there is no such thing as a perfect couple (otherwise EVERYBODY would be divorced – it sure feels like that sometimes), but some people fit together better than others, if you know what I mean? I know you are not “religious”, but I pray that God will strengthen you as you raise your children without their father. May He be their Father. We all know just how important it is to have a father. I pray for you and Daniel and hope that you can maintain some level of relationship for Eva and Damian’s sake. I cannot pretend that I am happy that your marriage crumbled, but I am definitely not pointing a finger either. My marriage is just as fragile, and strong at the same time. You have been married much longer than me, but I have seen enough to know that divorce does not solve ANY problems, it only removes one, and adds a whole truck load of others… At the end of it all, all I can really say is that I am really, really sorry… Greetings from a sunny South Africa, Amy

  5. AH!! wow. great post. i hope you continue writing like this. very powerful because its so honest. i have a tiny admission: i stopped following your blog sometime in late summer. i just couldn’t relate to your posts anymore, and the updates with cute photos of your kids are awesome, but after a while it feels like advertising. don’t get me wrong, please keep updating us with your kids, but more of this honesty will help us readers feel like you are mortal just like us. i grew up with a single mom, and because she is so amazing, i never felt like i was missing a father. i imagine you to be a mom like that, with or without your ex in their lives.

  6. Best wishes for 2016. You’re incredibly strong, and I have a feeling you’ll thrive as a single mom/attorney. I’ve followed your blog for a long time, and I’m glad you’re back.

  7. I won’t say this is unexpected, and I won’t say ‘I’m sorry’. You know what’s best for you and those two precious children of yours, and no one has the right to judge or say anything about it. But thank you for always being so real; it’s what keeps people like me coming back to this space. This has always been one of my favorite blogs, and I’m sure it still will be, regardless of marital status. Hoping and wishing you a fantastic 2016!

  8. Every now and then I’d stop by to read your blog to see how you’re doing. I will miss seeing frequent updates from you but I understand that this is a time where you’ve gotta focus on you. Hope 2016 brings you happiness, healing and love!

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